Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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