you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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