I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Randomize
