Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
