1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
