recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
