so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
