The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
