when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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