pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
