here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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