hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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