Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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