I faked an abortion last night.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
