When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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