The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
