But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
