They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
