Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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