When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
