his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
