bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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