I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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