remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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