I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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