I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You were trust falling into bushes
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
