So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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