once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?