Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?