Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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