Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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