Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
