Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we made out on top of his cat.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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