Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
