the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We have so much sex to catch up on
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
