I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
