just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
