does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
