The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Pants are for mortals
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
