i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
