i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
