She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
