filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
