I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
