I wish I could teleport
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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