I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
