The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Im part way to drunk.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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