you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
