hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
