dude i'm inner monologue high
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Randomize
