We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
