Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
