Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
