Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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