I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
