omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
